It’s raining outside the Benz looks like crap.
The noise from the radio’s Jingle Bells Rap.
You beat up a guy for his Occupy Tee.
Now off for the park to chop down a tree.
The wife’s on your iPad doing live request cam,
so you head for the market to steal a fat ham.
Your phone starts to buzz as you head out the door.
The In-laws again, they’re trying to score.
Christmas will be here in just one more night,
bring ’em a bottle they’ll stay out of sight.
The kids left last Friday to go out and play,
they always come home for the big holiday.
You ride by a church and think about mass,
but you know ol’ Santa don’t give a rat’s ass.
Arrive at the mall and the parking lot’s packed,
the really good cars have already been jacked.
The soon bankrupt Center’s a mile away.
You snag a good space it might be your day.
Down near Wet Seal you hear a loud sound.
The cops have your daughter hog-tied on the ground.
You duck into Nordstrom before you are seen,
They won’t keep her long she’s only fourteen.
You search really hard and find the right gift.
The security guard just ended his shift.
Out the back door and into the cold.
Shoplifting’s easy when you start to look old.
It’s Christmas morning and everyone’s here,
They’re already loaded on holiday cheer.
Your friends and your family can’t wreck your yuletide.
To hell with them all just go for a ride!